Warning! Rant ahead! (parenting advice welcome)
DD has had a problem with a fellow student for a year or so. Said child has done quite a few "girl bully" type stuff to her and we have basically dropped her long ago. But DD likes to be friends with everyone. Ho hum.
DD is also very high strung and dramatic. Emotional. Me, too, so I get it. She is more easily freaked out than some, admittedly sometimes about things that are not worth it.
However, she does not lie. Never. She accidentally lied once (forgot) and still remembers to this day how big a deal it was. She does not make up stories, she does not say mean things about other kids or gossip. At all.
Other kid has: tried to convince her that she had to get her ears pierced against her will; told her she had to have a password to get on the swings on the playground or get back into the school building during recess; made her buy food for her in the cafeteria; and this week, hit her over the head with a drumstick hard enough to hurt (out of sight of parents).
Other mother, needless to say, does not believe that her daughter has done any of it. Mother lion with her cub, etc., etc. I understand her defense of the other kid. But keep in mind that up until the cafeteria incident I tried to give my daughter strategies to work with and let them figure it out on their own. And the ear piercing caused two weeks of crying every night in bed before mine owned up to her fear.
But eventually I talked to the mom about it. She didn't really believe me, but apparently went around looking for evidence, found none and decided my daughter was a pathological liar, all without ever speaking to me again about it, so I thought she got the kid to confess and dealt with it, all good.
Well, after the drumstick incident, I went up to her tonight and told her about it and said I didn't think they should sit together any more in the auditorium. She followed me into the library and let into me about how my DD is terrible for making up all these stories about hers, she doesn't want my DD associating with hers any more (no kidding!), I shouldn't be going around making baseless accusations against her daughter, and so on. The girls, thank goodness, at this point have no desire to be friends anyway. But the thing is, how do you get the bully kid to leave your kid alone? Mine will certainly not seek out interactions with her. How do we control them at school? How do we really know what's going on?
My feeling is, I could have spoken to the administration about it. I could have started a big, huge to-do, but I thought we had a good enough relationship (acquaintance) to just talk openly about it and I thought we had. But she never came back and told me that she didn't believe it or that she thought my DD was lying. She never responded at all. The only person I made any accusations to was the mother. Not the teacher, not the principal, not any other parent. But she thinks I am being an "emotional bully" because I didn't have the girls hash it out in front of us.
I told her, next time, if there is a next time, that is how I will handle it. And apologized, if you can believe it. But I am all jumpy and adrenalized from the conflict. I think I've done the right thing, but of course have a fear that she will trash talk me and my daughter to other people, which I never have done about hers, bully or no. I guess I can only show people that I am normal and hope for the best. But I'm just sick to my stomach thinking she can make things more difficult for my children at school. Or convince the teachers or principal that I'm not a good person.
I had another incident earlier this year in the kindergarten class when a mother felt that I had pushed her daughter (I put her into line). And that almost went to the principal, too. So now I feel like people are telling the school to keep an eye on me, I might not be good people, you know? Like someday they won't let me go on field trips any more...
This sucks.
DD is also very high strung and dramatic. Emotional. Me, too, so I get it. She is more easily freaked out than some, admittedly sometimes about things that are not worth it.
However, she does not lie. Never. She accidentally lied once (forgot) and still remembers to this day how big a deal it was. She does not make up stories, she does not say mean things about other kids or gossip. At all.
Other kid has: tried to convince her that she had to get her ears pierced against her will; told her she had to have a password to get on the swings on the playground or get back into the school building during recess; made her buy food for her in the cafeteria; and this week, hit her over the head with a drumstick hard enough to hurt (out of sight of parents).
Other mother, needless to say, does not believe that her daughter has done any of it. Mother lion with her cub, etc., etc. I understand her defense of the other kid. But keep in mind that up until the cafeteria incident I tried to give my daughter strategies to work with and let them figure it out on their own. And the ear piercing caused two weeks of crying every night in bed before mine owned up to her fear.
But eventually I talked to the mom about it. She didn't really believe me, but apparently went around looking for evidence, found none and decided my daughter was a pathological liar, all without ever speaking to me again about it, so I thought she got the kid to confess and dealt with it, all good.
Well, after the drumstick incident, I went up to her tonight and told her about it and said I didn't think they should sit together any more in the auditorium. She followed me into the library and let into me about how my DD is terrible for making up all these stories about hers, she doesn't want my DD associating with hers any more (no kidding!), I shouldn't be going around making baseless accusations against her daughter, and so on. The girls, thank goodness, at this point have no desire to be friends anyway. But the thing is, how do you get the bully kid to leave your kid alone? Mine will certainly not seek out interactions with her. How do we control them at school? How do we really know what's going on?
My feeling is, I could have spoken to the administration about it. I could have started a big, huge to-do, but I thought we had a good enough relationship (acquaintance) to just talk openly about it and I thought we had. But she never came back and told me that she didn't believe it or that she thought my DD was lying. She never responded at all. The only person I made any accusations to was the mother. Not the teacher, not the principal, not any other parent. But she thinks I am being an "emotional bully" because I didn't have the girls hash it out in front of us.
I told her, next time, if there is a next time, that is how I will handle it. And apologized, if you can believe it. But I am all jumpy and adrenalized from the conflict. I think I've done the right thing, but of course have a fear that she will trash talk me and my daughter to other people, which I never have done about hers, bully or no. I guess I can only show people that I am normal and hope for the best. But I'm just sick to my stomach thinking she can make things more difficult for my children at school. Or convince the teachers or principal that I'm not a good person.
I had another incident earlier this year in the kindergarten class when a mother felt that I had pushed her daughter (I put her into line). And that almost went to the principal, too. So now I feel like people are telling the school to keep an eye on me, I might not be good people, you know? Like someday they won't let me go on field trips any more...
This sucks.
posted by Wendy Stackhouse at 9:35 PM
9 comments
